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50 Suggestions for the ex-submariner that miss "the good old days on the boat diesel boats"
- 1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
- curtain. Two to three hours after you fall asleep,
- have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes,
- and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack".
- 2. Repeat back everything anyone says to you.
-
- 3. Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sun light. Only view
- the world thru the peep hole on your front
- door.
- 4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your
- bathtub and move the shower head down to chest
- level. Shower once a week. Use no more than 2 gallons of water per
- shower.
-
- 5. Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week. Store garbage in the
- other side of your bathtub.
-
- 6. Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on the wheel and
- the motor running, but don't go anywhere.
- Install 200 extra oil temerature gauges. Take logs on all gages and
- indicators every 30 minutes.
-
- 7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to
- "High".
-
- 8. Watch only unknown movies with no major stars on TV and then, only at
- night. Have your family vote on which
- movie to watch, then watch a different one.
-
- 9. Don't do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded laundromat you can
- find.
-
- 10. (Optional for Nukes and A-Div) Leave lawnmower running in your
- living room six hours a day for proper noise
- level.
-
- 11. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
-
- 12. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
-
- 14. Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them.
-
- 15. Buy a broken exercise bicycle and strap it down to the floor in your
- kitchen.
-
- 16. Eat only food that you get out of a can or have to add water to.
-
- 17. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
- sandwich on stale bread. (Optional- cold
- beans and weinies, canned ravioli or soup)
-
- 18. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in
- your food cabinets or refrigerator.
-
- 19. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night.
- When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed
- as fast as you can, then run to your kitchen with the garden hose while
- wearing a scuba mask.
-
- 20. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then
- put them back together. Ensure you have
- parts left over.
-
- 21. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours
- before drinking. Never wash any coffee cups.
-
- 22. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit
- for a couple of months. Limit showers to weekly for
- all guests. (Unless they are interested in electronics....force those
- guests to shower three times daily and wear * bottle
- of stale cologne following each bathing).
-
- 23. Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then scramble a
- dozen each morning.
-
- 24. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table
- and lie under it to read books.
-
- 25. Check your refrigerator compressor for "sound shorts".
-
- 26. Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a
- lanyard around your neck.
-
- 27. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
-
- 28. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is
- baking.Then spread icing really thick on one side to
- level off the top.
-
- 29. Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep", run into the kitchen, and
- sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto
- the floor. Then, yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for
- sea".
-
- 30. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and
- stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody
- in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours.
- Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove
- secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
-
- 31.Tag out the stearing wheel, gas pedal, brake pedal, transmision and
- cigarette lighter when you change the oil in
- your car.
-
- 32. Use kool aid on all your breakfast cereals for 2 months.
-
- 33. Fill laundry tubs with oil. Lay in them, on your back, and change
- the washers on the water spigots.
-
- 34. While doing laundry, replace liquid fabric softener with diesel
- Fuel... savor the aroma of AMR2LL.
-
- 35. Install more commodes in your bathroom. Serve many greasy meals and
- ensure the entire family goes to the
- bathroom together.
-
- 36. Buy bunk beds and move the whole family into the hallway of your
- house.
-
- 37. Just for fun, rig 700 PSI air to the bottom of all toilets. Hold a
- lottery to determine who gets to control the air
- valves.
-
- 38. Knock a glass of water out of someone's hand and yell 'SPILL'. Shout
- at them the entire time they clean it up, tell
- them how worthless they are, then do it again.
-
- 39. Give your wife a new pin for her dress, then punch it into her
- chest.
-
- 40. Ask for 'permission to enter' whenever you go into the kitchen.
-
- 41. At night, replace all lightbulbs in the livingroom with red bulbs.
-
- 42. Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them.
-
- 43. Replace all doorways with windows so that you have to step up AND
- duck to go thru them.
-
- 44. Rope off a small area of your living room, turn off the AC, put on a
- suit made of garbage bags and mill around
- inside the roped off area for an hour with a zip lock bag tied securely
- around your head.
-
- 45. Whenever someone enters a room you're cleaning, shout "up and over"
- at them so they'll go thru the attic to get to
- the kitchen.
-
- 46. Tell your kids to "go find me a can of relative bearing grease".
-
- 47. Whenever the mailman steps onto your porch, shout "Postmaster
- General - Arriving" so that everyone in the house
- can hear you.
-
- 48. Paint the windshield of your car black. Make your wife stand up thru
- the sunroof and give you directions on where
- to drive. Drive thru as many big puddles as possible.
-
- 49. Have your kids stand at attention everytime you enter the room and
- make them state quite loudly, "Attention on
- Deck"or "Make a Hole".
-
- 50. Start every story with "This is no-shit".
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