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subpage3 50 Suggestions for the ex-submariner that miss "the good old days on the boat diesel boats"

1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Two to three hours after you fall asleep,
have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes,
and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack".
2. Repeat back everything anyone says to you.
3. Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sun light. Only view
the world thru the peep hole on your front
door.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your
bathtub and move the shower head down to chest
level. Shower once a week. Use no more than 2 gallons of water per
shower.
5. Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week. Store garbage in the
other side of your bathtub.
6. Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on the wheel and
the motor running, but don't go anywhere.
Install 200 extra oil temerature gauges. Take logs on all gages and
indicators every 30 minutes.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to
"High".
8. Watch only unknown movies with no major stars on TV and then, only at
night. Have your family vote on which
movie to watch, then watch a different one.
9. Don't do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded laundromat you can
find.
10. (Optional for Nukes and A-Div) Leave lawnmower running in your
living room six hours a day for proper noise
level.
11. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
12. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
14. Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them.
15. Buy a broken exercise bicycle and strap it down to the floor in your
kitchen.
16. Eat only food that you get out of a can or have to add water to.
17. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich on stale bread. (Optional- cold
beans and weinies, canned ravioli or soup)
18. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in
your food cabinets or refrigerator.
19. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night.
When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed
as fast as you can, then run to your kitchen with the garden hose while
wearing a scuba mask.
20. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then
put them back together. Ensure you have
parts left over.
21. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours
before drinking. Never wash any coffee cups.
22. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit
for a couple of months. Limit showers to weekly for
all guests. (Unless they are interested in electronics....force those
guests to shower three times daily and wear * bottle
of stale cologne following each bathing).
23. Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then scramble a
dozen each morning.
24. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table
and lie under it to read books.
25. Check your refrigerator compressor for "sound shorts".
26. Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a
lanyard around your neck.
27. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
28. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is
baking.Then spread icing really thick on one side to
level off the top.
29. Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep", run into the kitchen, and
sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto
the floor. Then, yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for
sea".
30. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and
stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody
in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours.
Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove
secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
31.Tag out the stearing wheel, gas pedal, brake pedal, transmision and
cigarette lighter when you change the oil in
your car.
32. Use kool aid on all your breakfast cereals for 2 months.
33. Fill laundry tubs with oil. Lay in them, on your back, and change
the washers on the water spigots.
34. While doing laundry, replace liquid fabric softener with diesel
Fuel... savor the aroma of AMR2LL.
35. Install more commodes in your bathroom. Serve many greasy meals and
ensure the entire family goes to the
bathroom together.
36. Buy bunk beds and move the whole family into the hallway of your
house.
37. Just for fun, rig 700 PSI air to the bottom of all toilets. Hold a
lottery to determine who gets to control the air
valves.
38. Knock a glass of water out of someone's hand and yell 'SPILL'. Shout
at them the entire time they clean it up, tell
them how worthless they are, then do it again.
39. Give your wife a new pin for her dress, then punch it into her
chest.
40. Ask for 'permission to enter' whenever you go into the kitchen.
41. At night, replace all lightbulbs in the livingroom with red bulbs.
42. Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them.
43. Replace all doorways with windows so that you have to step up AND
duck to go thru them.
44. Rope off a small area of your living room, turn off the AC, put on a
suit made of garbage bags and mill around
inside the roped off area for an hour with a zip lock bag tied securely
around your head.
45. Whenever someone enters a room you're cleaning, shout "up and over"
at them so they'll go thru the attic to get to
the kitchen.
46. Tell your kids to "go find me a can of relative bearing grease".
47. Whenever the mailman steps onto your porch, shout "Postmaster
General - Arriving" so that everyone in the house
can hear you.
48. Paint the windshield of your car black. Make your wife stand up thru
the sunroof and give you directions on where
to drive. Drive thru as many big puddles as possible.
49. Have your kids stand at attention everytime you enter the room and
make them state quite loudly, "Attention on
Deck"or "Make a Hole".
50. Start every story with "This is no-shit".

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